The Day It Finally Made Sense – I Was Not Prepared

It wasn’t until about six months ago that I discovered adult women can have ADHD — and that our symptoms don’t look like the hyper little boys everyone pictures.

Cue the hyperfocused deep dive.

I watched videos, did online tests, and read (okay, skimmed) every article I could find. Each discovery brought this strange mix of relief and grief.

Relief, because everything suddenly made sense.
Grief, because I had spent so many years thinking I was broken. That I failing at motherhood and adulthood. Failing miserably. I just could not keep it together inside, even if I worked really hard to not show it on the outside. No one would ever know the depth of the internal struggle just to make it look like I was okay.

After cluing in to this new discovery, for a while, I kept it to myself. I needed to process. And honestly I was terrified.

Would anyone believe me? Would they think I was making excuses? Even my doctor might not understand.

And honestly, if I said it out loud, it would become real.

I wasn’t ready for that.

I wasn’t ready to pull down the mask, cry the tears, and admit how exhausted I was from pretending I was okay. And take the first steps towards a new way of living. I wasn’t ready for people to see me differently.

I thought about my sons — both diagnosed with ADHD years ago. Was this how they felt when we found out? Scared, alone, thinking something was wrong with them? My heart broke. We’d always assumed they got it from their dad. Turns out, they inherited it from their neurodiverse mom! Who knew that was even a possibility. We certainly didn’t!

That realization hit hard.

Functioning differently didn’t change overnight, but the way I saw myself did. My perspective changed. These mountains I was failing to climb each day made more sense. They didn’t seem as impossible as they once did. I realized I wasn’t failing on the journey, I just wasn’t prepared for the adventure I was on. I needed to pack the right tools and strategies for the climb – factoring in storms, energy, wild thoughts, and all the other obstacles that can change from day to day – for me and my family.

I knew that some days I will make it up and over the top in a fit of positive hyper-focused and productive energy, while other days I won’t be able to take one step up. And that’s okay.

I wasn’t failing them. I wasn’t lazy or scattered.
I was a mom doing her best with an ADHD brain she didn’t know she had. But now I know, and things are changing. We are going to be okay, even when we are not okay.

Finally… I could give myself a little grace and understanding.

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